The Expendables 2 Review

   Well, it finally happened. I finally had a proper box-office movie opening night experience! The theatre was full! The majority of the audience was male! And everyone is having the time of their lives! That is the perfect setting for an action movie like The Expendables 2!
   The only thing that would've made the experience complete was the perfuse smell of body odor. Thank God that that was the only thing, too! But the setting of your viewing is completely meaningless. All that matters is the time of your lives the second the movie starts.
   I think this review is going to be relatively short considering most of it is action. But, honestly, who the fuck cares!? When you have this many action stars in this movie, you know it's gonna be badass. That's all I can say.
   Everyone from the first movie makes their glorious returns: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Jet Li, Terry Crews, and bigger parts for Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
   Interesting note that I thought I'd add; I saw a trailer for a new Arnold movie coming next summer called "The Last Stand". I can't wait to see that!
   Anyways, back to the movie. The movie also showcases Jean-Claude Van Damme as the villain, Chuck Norris (who is overly-glorified, like expected) and Liam Hemsworth.
   Wait, what!?
   Yeah! Liam Hemsworth! Gale from The Hunger Games! The guy that's married to Miley Cyrus! Although he is pretty good... for the 30 minutes of screentime he has. Seriously! He's in it for about 30 minutes and VanDamme just offs him! You see, guys!? I told you to go with Liam's brother, Chris Hemsworth! He's is literally a demi-god! He would've been a FAR better choice! But, NOOO! No one listens to me!!! No one likes a smart guy!!! He's got no muscles on him!!! He'd just slow us down!!!!! Besides, it wouldn't be a proper challenge if we had a god on our hands.
   Then again, it's not like Chuck need much of a challenge! He manages to take out an entire platoon AND A FUCKING TANK BY HIMSELF!!! I half expected the other guys to just sit back and let Chuck and Arnold take care of all this! Then again, we wanna see everyone kick some ass, now don't we?
   As for the story... um... how do I best describe it? It's kind of... hard to follow. It involves Van Damme and his organization finding plutonium in an old Soviet mine to sell on the black market, or something. It's kinda hard to tell, since it's almost impossible to understand a word of dialogue all these guys are saying past their half-slurs.
   But, again, who the fuck cares!? All we wanna see is our favourite action stars kick some ass. It's all about the action, the one-liners, the interaction between the characters, and the jokes. It's like an action movie straight out of the '80's or '90's. And I love it all.

   In terms of story, The Expendables 2 gets a...
   2.5 out of 5!

   In terms of action, one-liners, and overall good times to be had, the movie scores a...
   5 out of 5!!

   Overall, The Expendables 2, gets a final score of...
   3.99738645290147639824310099874624 out of 5!

   Why that number!? Because my brain can hardly process the amount of awesome in this flick! I hope that rating represents that!
   Now, I leave you with my favourite one-liner from the movie. It's from Chuck Norris. Stallone asks him if he was bitten by a king cobra. Chuck's response...
   "Yes... And after 5 days of agonizing pain... the cobra died..."

(AH CHUCK NORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS!!!!!)

Princess Mononoke Review... nay, Experience!!!

   I know what you're all probably thinking! Well, actually, let me rephrase that: half of you are probably screaming "NO! NO! THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE REVIEWING A MIYAZAKI FILM!!!!! HOW DARE YOU TRY AND DO IT JUSTICE!!!! BLOOD! DEATH! MURDER! KILLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!"
   Meanwhile, the other half of you are probably thinking, "What the hell is Princess Mononoke?" or "Who is this Miyazaki guy? Is he foreign?" Well, allow me to shed some light on this subject for those of you in the dark.
   Hayao Miyazaki is a Japanese manga artist and film director. Even if you don't know who he is, you've more than likely heard of, or seen, his work. He has directed several anime films such as My Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away, Ponyo, and of course, Princess Mononoke.
   Now, before I get on with the review, I have one thing that I need to say: there is no way in Heaven or Hell that I can possibly talk about this film and do it justice. His movies are truly an experience in every sense of the word. They cannot be simply reviewed, they have to be seen to truly believe.
   I know it sounds like I'm making such a big deal out of all of this, but it really is something remarkable. Before today, I have never seen a Miyazaki film. Seeing a film of his for the first time is really something incredible. It will leave you speechless!
   Now, as for Princess Mononoke, it really is a complex movie. It's very hard to describe what the plot is because it's so well woven together, like a fine, Japanese, silk kimono. (How's that for a simile?!)
   At the surface, Princess Mononoke is a fantasy film. It may not seem like it's that impressive. However, if we look a little deeper, we can see that there is more to this film than a standard fantasy plot about a boy who has to save the world. This movie is also an environmental film.
   Now, before you all fly to Tokyo and stake Miyazaki for making a film about the environment, let's just say, it doesn't suck. Even though the environmental message is a little bit preachy, it's not nealy as preachy as other animated films like Ferngully or An Inconvenient Truth. Also, it's an anti-war movie.
   Now, before you all go out to do some dive-bombing on Japan, let's be clear here. This movie came out in 1997 before Avatar. Ironically enough, Titanic, also by James Cameron, came out that same year. This film was the one that trumped Princess Mononoke's box-office numbers. But, let's face it, Jim. Miyazaki did it first! And he did it WAY fucking better than you did!
   However, unlike Avatar, we get to see both sides of the conflict as our hero, Ashitaka, takes his journey across the land. We understand that the humans only want to protect themselves from the evils in the forest and stay alive by producing goods for the Empire, while San and the other creatures of the forest want it to prosper. Both depend on something and are willing to fight and die for control of it. In fact, that's how most wars throughout history have started!
   The movie does a very good job at not showing vias or prejudice to one group or the other. Sure, this type of premise has been done before, but what makes it all the more special is the characters. Yoy really care for all of them. Even the ones who are more-or-less the villains are very sympathetic. They care about others.
   For instance, Lady Eboshi, the mistress of Iron Town, wants to kill the forest spirit who brings life to the forest so she can find a cure for her workers stricken with Leprosy. What ultimately is an evil act, she does it with the best of intentions. This really doesn't make her the bad guy. I really like sympathetic or tragic villains, like Rameses from Prince of Egypt or King Claudius from Hamlet. That way you know, they're still human.
   Now, the story is very well told, but it all means shit if you don't have the visuals to back it up. All I gotta say about that is this: ...wow. Just, wow! I think is goes without saying, but the visuals for all of Miyazaki's work are breathtaking to behold. Hell, I'd go as far to say that it's down right inspired! As an artist myself, I can appreciate good artwork when I see it; and the visuals just make the movie all the more breathtaking.
   So, in conclusion, if you have not yet seen a Miyazaki film in your life, you definitely should. Maybe start with this or Spirited Away, his only movie to win an American Academy Award. All I can say is you won't be disappointed.
   And as for the rabid Miyazaki fans: Did I at least do a fair enough job describing the experience of this movie?

Fan #1: HE FORGOT TO MENTION THE ALLEGORICAL MEANING OF THE FOREST SPIRIT!

Fan #2: Kill 'im!

*load weapons*

   Oh, shit...

Total Recall (2012) Review

   Well, ladies and gentlemen, after a rather long hiatus, I have returned. As promised, your review for the remake of Total Recall is finally here!
   Now, before we start, I'd like to answer some questions that are on (mostly) everyone's minds:

   Question 1: Where have you been?

Answer: I have been on "break" as it were. Since there was nothing for me to go and see at the movie theatre ever since The Dark Knight Rises, I've been a little deprived of something to bitch about. But, now that I have made my triumphant return, I can properly conduct this review.

   Question 2: You review movies the day they come out. So why didn't you review this when it came out a week ago?

Answer: That was also part of my "break". You see, during the weekend of August 3rd, my family and I went out to the lake to visit family. It was quite alot of fun, except that I didn't get any time in the water because the weather was crap. I had intended to review this movie, but since I didn't know about this until a week or so prior, there was nothing I could do about it. Sorry about that.

   Question 3: Since you review movies the day they come out, why aren't you doing a review of The Bourne Legacy? 

Answer: Truth be told- Christ, I'm gonna get alot of flack for this -but I really have no interest in it. I haven't seen the other Bourne movies in their entirety so I wouldn't be able to properly judge, much like how now I'll be talking about Total Recall and comparing the two. Besides, last time, I promised to do a review on the remake of Total Recall, so there.

   Now that we have that established, let's get to the review now, shall we?
   "Fun but Forgettable". That's what the title of the newspaper article said about Total Recall. I had seen that in last week's paper. I didn't read the article. Why? Well, because the title, in three words, managed to sum up perfectly what I needed to know. But, to delve more deeply, the film is your slightly-above-average action movie. That's it.
   What made the original stand out amongst all of Arnold's films is that it had so many memorable things about it: like the eyes popping out on the surface of Mars, the three-breasted mutant hooker, Kuato, the resistance leader on Mars, who is also a mutant coming out of a guy's chest, and many memorable one-liners from Arnold, like the famous "Get your ass to Mars". If you think that any of that is in the remake... then your just out of your mind.
   Well, okay, I lied. The three-breated hooker is in the movie but, when given the context and settong of the movie, it makes no sense. In the original, it made sense. When the people living on Mars were exposed to its atmosphere, they mutated. .... Okay, that part doesn't make any sense, but atleast it was explained.
   In the remake, it's explained that global chemical warfare (which should have been abolished after World War 1) has caused most of the earth to be uninhabitable. Only two habital places remain: the UFB or United Federation of Britain, and Australia, also known as the Colony. Yeah, there's no Martian colony like in the original, which sucks, but whatever. Point is, while the nod to the original is nice, it's not needed, and actually, makes the established world more confusing.
   Another thing that's really confusing is the fact that Australia is now known as The Colony. Why the hell not just keep the name Australia? Britain keeps its name, so why not just keep calling Australia "Australia"? Not only that, but doesn't Australia have its own independent government and economy? Why would it need to be dependent on Britain for everything? I know Australia was a former colony of Britain and the whole chemical warfare thing happened, but why would they need to go back to them again? Can't they just get by on their own?
   I know I seem like I'm making a big deal out of seemingly nothing, but it isn't really explained well in the movie at all! If it is and I missed it, feel free to message me on Facebook or Google+ and tell me how much of an idiot I am.
   Another thing that's really odd about this setup is that Britain is reliant on workers from The Colony. They travel back and forth between the two every single day by travelling through the Earth's core. Okay, how is that possible? What kind of metal on Earth can withstand temperatures of over 5,700 Kelvin, or 5,430 degrees celcius? Also, every time you pass the inner core, gravity reverses... I'm not sure, but wouldn't getting closer to the core make the gravity heavier? Then again, I'm no geologist or whatever, so I can really talk about it.
   Another big problem I have with this movie is the look and tone of it all. While I really admire how the film looks, it looks like Blade Runner to me. I haven't seen Blade Runner and yet I still know what it looks like! How fucked up is that!?
   Now, the tone for the movie is also very Blade Runner meets the Bourne movies. Basically, it's a much darker tone than the original. Without Arnold, I can understand this angle, but that's what made the original awesome!! The original film had a sense of wonder and intrigue and that was brought on by the film's overall-corny feel. It felt thrilling and intense, but also a helluva-lot-of-fun; and it was like that because of Arnold-FUCKING-Schwarzenegger! He can be a complete badass, but still be campy enough to not really be too intimiidated by him. This movie severly lacks that feel that made the original so awesome!




   (Obligatory joke for all of the bronies: check!)

   So, after all of that, you probably think that there's nothing about this movie that I like. Well, actually there are a few things. Like I said before, the look of this movie is gorgeous! I don't think I need to reiterate much again, so, yeah.
   Another was the action sequences. They are all shot very well and are impressive. Unfortunately, there not very unique. Since it only takes place on Earth and the only real people the characters fight are actually robots, the tension is also pretty weak.
   The performances were really good. Colin Farrell as Quaid gives a much more believeable performance for someone who finds out he was once a spy and had his memory wiped and his wife, Lori, played by Kate Beckinsale, is alot of fun. In fact, she's probably my favourite character in all of this. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing when the villain becomes the unintentional favourite of mine.
   While the performances are very good and certainly better than Arnold and his campy ways, that's also sort of the problem. Since the movie has gone to such great lengths to take itself more seriously than the original, it lacks that which made the original a classic.
 
   (By the way, you're out of your mind if you think I'm typing all of that again! You have a mouse for a reason!)

   There are two reasons for making a remake. One: to change/fix mistakes from the original. Two: The more cynical of the pair- to make money! Well, I'm sure from this, you can guess which one the director Len Wiseman got right!

   The final verdict for the remake of Total Recall is...

   2.7 out of 5 (and that's me being extremely generous)!

   It is a fun, action-packed movie, but it's plays it too safe and doesn't give off as memorable impression that Paul Verhoeven did with the original. The only real memorable thing that I'll remember about this movie in about a week is (and I'm not kidding) Obama Dollars!

You heard right! Obama Dollars... what? What!?

Total Recall (1990) In-depth Review

   Let's talk about remakes/reboots. It seems like the only way Hollywood can make money nowadays is through remaking some of its most original and groundbreaking films or rebooting its most popular film franchises. (Of course, I think re-releasing a film is a much smarter and cheaper way of making money, but I digress.) Generally, remakes don't end up being very good. This is mainly because they either change too much from the original, or they don't change enough. No one like a shot-for-shot remake like, let's say, Psycho--Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates. Too stupid to work!-- but no one likes a remake that's too unfaithful to the original, like, oh, I don't know, The Phantom Menace?
   I bring this topic up because, on August 3rd, the remake of Total Recall will soon hit theatres. I already have my fears that it won't be as good as the original. Why? Two words: Colin Farrell. How in the hell could Colin Farrell match the goofy performance of everyone's favourite action-star-turned-politician-and-back-again, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You can't!
   Judging from the trailers, it appears since the remake isn't going to have the Governator, it's going to take a more serious tone. Unfortunately, I can't talk about it just yet, since it's not out yet. Instead, I'm going to talk about the original 1990 film.
   The movie opens up on what I assume is the surface of Mars. Wait, how the hell am I supposed to get my ass to it if we're already there. Anyway, Arnold slips and falls and breaks open his helmet. This, of course, leads to the famous "eye-popping" scene of Arnold's eyes... well, literally popping out.

(And I thought I was the only one who hated Battleship.)

   But it turns out that Arnold was just dreaming and he was really safe back on Earth where he can breathe, watch new episodes of Full House, and listen to the latest album from the incredibly talented Vanilla Ice... Is it too late to go back to Mars?

   Well, at least he has a smoking-hot wife, played by Sharon Stone, who he... doesn't dream about. Even his wife knows this. Of course, Arnold reassures her that everything is fine and she's the woman of his dreams and blah blah blah blah blah, straight to the sex.

   We then cut to a news report about a terrorist group on Mars led by a guy named Kuato who want independence from the wrath of Administrator Vilos Cohaagen. Afterwards, he and his wife talk about moving to Mars. His wife, Lori says it's a bad idea but Arnie says it'll be fine. Oh, yeah. With terrorist uprisings going on there, why not?!

   Arnold also tells his wife that he wants to do something more with his life and be somebody. Lori assures him that he is somebody. Hey lady, save the corny lines for "Vienna sausages", okay?

   While on his way to work, Arnold sees an advertisement for Rekall, a program designe for virtual vacations. It definitely is a very neat concept, and would usher in lots of money. Just think about it; virtual vacations at the fraction of the cost of real ones? I'd sign up for that immediately! Hell, maybe I'll start working on the blueprints for my Rekall Virtual Reality Simulator after I'm done this review!

   Well, it has to be better than Arnold's job as a construction worker. He talks to his friends about it but they say it's a bad thing. Okay, yeah, in hindsight it would probably alter your brain and make it difficult to distinguish reality from fantasy, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing! C'mon! You people are a bunch of buzzkills. But Arnold's like, "Fuck it" and goes to Rekall anyway. He talks with a Rekall travel agent, Bob McClane as to why Rekall is so much better than real travel. He even brings up that you can vacation there using an alternate identity. I don't see the Virtual Boy doing that any time soon.

   So, Arnold is plugged in and, before we know it, he... starts to go crazy? He starts screaming that he's not Quaid. McClane says that that's part of the ego trip, but the scientests say that they haven't implanted it yet. You know, I can totally relate. I once woke up screaming that I was in the military and used as a guinea pig in an experiment on interdimensional transportation and sent to the world of Equestria... no, wait, that was just a dream, too. Dammit! Hell, maybe it was a memory from the past I'm trying to remember, because that's exactly what happened to Arnold. (Apparently.)

   Arnold still in a minor drug-induced state, wakes up in a taxi and is dropped off at home. His buddy, Richter, played by Micheal Ironside, is pissed at him that he went to Rekall. He's so pissed that he even pulls a gun out on him and has a group of thugs beat him up. C'mon. Do you really think a group of unarmed men is enough to stop Arnold? If so, then stop reading and go somewhere else.

   After mercilessly killing those guys, Arnold goes home to explain his situation to his wife. He tells her about Rekall and, predictably, she is not happy. Hell, even she tries to kill him. Man, Arnold's like a chaos magnet; trouble just seems to find him wherever he goes.

  

(Wow. I guess Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood had a gang war so hw had to move. Now he makes his living as a robot taxi driver.... IT HAPPENS!)

   Arnold gets the upper hand and eventually gets her to tell him what the fuck is going on. She tells him that his memory was erased-MUST RESIST ERASER JOKE- and that all the memories he has were implanted into his brain and that she took the role as his wife. She tries to seduce him, but fortunately for Arnold, he sees security footage of more goons in the lobby. Arnold clocks her over the head and GTFOs.

   Arnold tries to make a break for it through the subway but is stoppes at the security checkpoint. The goons are not far behind, however, as a shootout takes places in bloody, R-rated fashion. Arnold gets away, but the bad guys have a contingency plan; tracking him! Oh, and Cohaagen is involved, too. Did I mention that?

   Soon, Arnold gets a call from an old friend at the agency and leaves him a suitcase for him to pick up. Follow this up with another chase scene, some more gunfire, some more people getting shot... God, what's the point of doing an in-depth review of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie!? I should just sum it up with *BANG BANG* *BOOM*!

   Well, anyways, Arnold finds a safe haven to look over his briefcase. He finds a recording of himself in it and watches it. The video of himself tells him about Cohaagen and how he needs to take him down. But, first, we need the scene where he removes the tracking chip from his head. For some reason, it's encased in a giant ball that doesn't rip his nose apart when he pulls it out. "Now this is the plan; get your ass to Mars" Arnold tells himself. Man, this is very surreal. Arnold Schwarzenegger talking to himself? Kinda weird...

(Yeah, how does this not rip his nose apart again?)

   

   So, now, Arnold does in fact get his ass to Mars and disguises himself as a woman. Oh, no! I'm having Junior falshbacks!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Unfortunately, his disguise starts to malfunction and is spotted by the bad guys. Hetakes the head off and tosses it at the guards. With a "Get ready for a surpriiiiiiise!", it blows up in their faces and Arnold gets away. But not before they start shooting up the place and nearly get sucked out the window. Yeah, you have to admit, these guys who are after Arnold are kinda, sorta, incompetent.

   After that, Cohaagen and Richter, talk about how Quaid, Arnold's charachter, ha sinformation that Kuato wants. You see!? I told you Arnold was a chaos magnet!!

   After Arnold checs in to the hotel, receives a message from himself to go talk to Melina, and gets a taxi, the place gets attacked by rebels. Again, that's our chaos magnet! He arrives in Venusville and heads for The Last Resort, where Melina works. There, he encounters a three-breasted hooker... Mars is kind of a weird place!

  

  

(I can see why Colin Farrell wanted to be in the remake so badly.)

      He meets up with Melina and she immediately jumps his bones! Well, she is a hooker, so yeah. She grabs his "daddy zone" and says, "What'cha been feeding that thing?" Arnold's reply: "Blondes." This is why Arnold is awesome. Unfortunately, Melina doesn't think so since she is upset with him thinking that he was dead. Quaid tries to explain, but Melina kicks him out. Yeah, I got the tough love thing alot, too.

   Meanwhile, at the hotel, Quaid gets interrupted by someone from Rekall who says that this is all part of his "vacation". He even brings his wife to try and convince him that all of this is in his head. Arnold doesn't believe any of this and shoots the guy and Lori gets him captured. Yes, we're really supposed to believe that Sharon Stone captures Arnold Schwarzenegger! That'd be like Bruce Lee being captured by Marylin Monroe!

   Fortunately, Melina shows up and starts shooting people and saves Arnold. Sharon starts to kick Melina's ass, but thankfully Arnold gets a gun and threatens to shoot her. Sharon says, "You wouldn't hurt me. After all, we're married." After Arnold blows her brains out, he declares, "Consider that a divorce." I'd squee, but I am a man. A man squeeing for another man is really creepy and somewhat gay.

   Melina tells Quaid that they're going to see Kuato. Finally, we get an insight on the elusive Kuato. Wouldn't it be a twist if it was Arnold? I'm just gonna call it right now! I don't know!

  

(Warning! Firing a gun inside of a vaccuum-sealed dome on the surface of Mars may be hazardous to your health. In more ways than one.)

   After another chase scene involving more gunfire and the entirety of Last Resort getting shot to shit, Arnold, Melina, and the black cab driver, Benny, head for Kuato. Meanwhile, the fans all over the complex are turned off. After that, we finally discover who Kuato is: he's a mutant! I forgot to mention earlier about the people who were mutated when one of the domes collapsed and now they want revenge on Cohaagen. Why? Because... I'm an idiot.

   Through Kuato, Arnold remembers what Cohaagen is after and all before the soldiers shoot more things! Why is it in every one of his movies, someone always wants to kill Arnold wherever he goes but can't do it?

   Then, it turns out Benny's a spy! Right after he kills Kuato! I knew it! I knew you could never trust an annoying black guy!! Or any other annoying charachter... ever...

   After being captured, Cohaagen tells Arnold that this was all a setup from the beginning! Why so many twists!? My brain can't process this in an Arnold movie!! Of course, Arnold doesn't believe it but, now, Cohaagen proves it with a recording Arnold left for himself. Good God, this is alot to wrap your head around!

   They subdue Arnold and Melina in a Rekall machine. This is where we get to see some of Arnold's greatest silly facial expressions. After making funny faces, Arnold and Melina break out and go after the reactor Kuato told him about.

(I had this exact same face after reading Cupcakes.)

   Unfortunately, the Red spy, Benny, comes up with a massive drill to drill them into oblivion. Arnold figures it's time to fight drills with drills as he drills his way into the drill and kills Benny. (Wow! Remind me never to do that again!) 

(Merde...)

   They find the reactor which will supply the entire planet with air if it's turned on. However, Richter and his goons are waiting for them. They shoot him up... or do they!? No, instead they shoot a hologram of Quaid before he turns the corner and sprays them all with bullets! Man, this movie's awesome! He even fools the soldiers by having them think that he is the hologram. He even taunts them with, "You think this is the real Quaid? It is." Then he proceeds to blast everyone! Arnold is an action-movie God!

   Now, Arnold is fighting Richter in an elevator and lets him off at his floor. See? I can make my one one-liners, too! Although Arnold's is better.

   Arnold soon finds the reactor's main switch but Cohaagen is there waiting for him. He even has a remothe detenator which will blow the place up before he'll be home for Corn Flakes. But Arnold says, "Fuck your Corn Flakes" and he and Melina take him down. However, before they can turn on the generator, they blow another hole in the dome! These domes must've been made in China begause these break faster than cheap Chinese toys. Anyway, Cohaagen is sucked out and his eyes start bulging out of his skull like Arnold's and he suffocates. Needless to say, it's pretty gross.

   They start up the machine, but not before Arnold and Melina get sucked out, too, and start suffocating. But not before the planet can be supplied with oxygen and save evryone. Well, great. Mars is no longer the "red planet". Now what's gonna be the red planet?!

   Well, even with all that said, Total Recall was a really good movie! The sci-fi element was well done, the characters and acting were, mostly, very good, the action is superb, and the visuals, even for 1990, were excellent, and this was a time when animatronics were still being used. I honestly like animatronics better than CGI because you know it's real.

   Tune in next time when I dissect the remake. But not before I get started on my own Rekall virtual reality machine! Now, how to get the mass driver hooked up to the neural net processor...

   



The Dark Knight Rises Review

    Every now and then, it's customary for us to watch a film that really engages the viewer and challenges them intellectually. Now, bare-in-mind, doing this all the time will, of course, heighten your expectations of a film and make you a film snob; and no one wants that! Well, unless you're this guy...

(Anyone who knows who this is gets extra brownie points!!)

    I really should have realized that when I was walking into the theatre at 2:40 PM to view today's movie, The Dark Knight Rises. I suppose it was rather naive of me to not see that I was about to watch a Christopher Nolan movie. Silly me! I mean, the man has made some very thought-provoking movies in such a short span of time... by filmmaking standards. (Let's face it; seven years is considered very little time to make four excellent movies by Hollywood standards.)

     Now, of course, his movies may not be for everyone. I know for a fact that my family weren't too terribly fond of the first two films in the Dark Knight Trilogy and they have never seen Inception. Of course, I have seen Inception and it was surprisingly easy to follow-- even though most of the character's names got "lost in translation" for me. Even with the incredible ideas of dreams thrown in to process and think about, the story of it manages to be very engaging and Leonardo DiCaprio's character was very interesting and his tragic story about his guilt over having caused his wife's death. This shouldn't be a spoiler since it's an important story element and because the movie has been out for quite some time, so don't bitch about it!

    However, this movie has not been out for awhile and you probably want to know what it is like. Alright, here it goes. Despite having to think alot, having to go to the bathroom towards the end and missing a scene, and losing my sunglasses and having to get a new pair, the movie, as stated before, is excellent.

    The story is very complex and difficult to explain. I cannot do it justice because I'll make it sound really confusing; but, then again, that's Christopher Nolan for ya. I'll only say this; it is well-written and is tense, dramatic, and action-packed. Of course, much like in the previous movies in the trilogy, there is a deeper, more realistic feel to this "comic book movie" and makes everything seem that more plausible. Also throughout the film, there are many conversations about the psychological meaning of being a masked vigilante working outside the law. There's also some great twists in there that will probably make you go: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!"

    Speaking of action (Oh, wait...), the action is very well shot and much larger in scale from the previous film. The final battle in front of town hall is especially large in scale. All of the other action, especially the hand-to-hand combat is shot cleanly and very lacking in "shaky-cam". Some people might like that, because it makes a scene more tense, but if there's too much, it's hard to tell what in the holy hell is going on. If you've seen the first Transformers movie or The Hunger Games, you'll know what I mean.

    The cast and the characters are still awesome. I especially really loved Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman. She reminds me alot of Michelle Pfeiffer's portrayal in Tim Burton's Batman Returns. I was also very intrigued by Bane, played by Tom Hardy. The way he speaks and acts is very reminiscent of Heath Ledger's role as The Joker in the prior film. I was also really fscinated by how he manages to manipulate Gotham's citizens into uprising against itself so his plans can be accomplished. What are his plans, you may ask? That's spoiler territory there, son! You best stay away from there, 'less you wanna spoil the movie for y'erself! Besides, that's not why I'm here and it's certainly alot more fun piecing it together yourself. There's also a cop, John Blake, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who has pieced together who Batman is and also has a similar past to Wayne, and helps him regain that title, as well as look into Bane's plans. The characters that were still around, like Micheal Caine as Alfred, Gary Oldman as Commisioner Gordon, and Morgan Freeman as Lucius Fox still give Grade A performances. If I had any complaints about the cast, it'd be that Alfred is hardly in the film. Seriously! He leaves about 30 minutes-or-so into the film after he finds that Bruce has become Batman again and doesn't want to see him kill himself and lose the only remaining member of the Wayne family.

    (Okay, that sounds a tad shallow, but it sounds better in the film.)

    As for complaints, most of them are nitpicks, like with the cast and some of the names of the characters being lost in translation and not brought up again until much later. My biggest complaint is probably the ending. I have an idea as to what they were going for, but it's really wierd. I will also do you the generous favour of not telling you the ending to make my point more clear, because that would contradict my no-spoiler pact-- the part about Alfred doesn't count.

    The final verdict for The Dark Knight Rises is...

    4.5 out of 5!

    It is definitely a must-see for Batman fans, comic book fans, and Christopher Nolan fans alike. It is an excellent endpoint of the trilogy... Pfft!!! I'm sorry! I couldn't type that with a straight face! A comic-book film franchise ending! HA hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh, ho ho! I crack myself up! So, when's the next Batman movie coming out?! I'll sign up for the director's chair if no one has already! Who wants to help me make a new Batman movie?!?!

Hey, guys? Guys?! Where're you all going?! You seriously won't help?! C'mon!! I got the script all-written out and everything! Now, who to cast as Bruce Wayne?...

Quantum Conundrum Review (XBLA)

    Here's a question: how many of you liked Portal 2? If you raised your hand just now,... what the hell, man? Why are you raising your hand at a computer screen? I will not be able to see your hand!
    Anyways, I'm sure you were very fond of Portal 2 if you have played it. You have played it, right? Right?! Well, even if you didn't play Portal 2 (for some asinine reason) you've probably at least heard quotes from the game or the ending song, "Want You Gone". Wherever you heard it doesn't matter. What does matter is that you should be aware of how successful it is and how funny the game is, thanks to comedian, Stephen Merchant, as Wheatley.
    Of course, in the video game industry, if something works, do it again! (Actually the same could be said about any industry involving media art forms, bit I digress.) It doesn't even matter who rips off a game nowadays. Just do it again!!! Which brings me to today's Portal-clone from Square Enix and Airtight Games, Quantum Conundrum. So, what do you get when you take Portal and give it to the creators of Dark Void? Well, that's why I'm here and that's why you're here as well: to understand what this game is about.
    Now, I know what you're screaming at your monitors for: "Quantum Conundrum isn't a Portal rip-off!" Well, let's put it this way: when the game has you doing dangerous, life-threatening puzzles throughout the game, there's an omnipresent voice speaking to you about the puzzles, there's science-related techno-babble, the game has a crapload of comedy, and there's a little companion that follows you around everywhere you go, I call that very similar to Portal.
    Alright, now, to be fair, the game is quite good and alot of fun to play. So, it goes to show that a knock-off can be done well. However, it still baffles me as to how this game is almost identical to Portal in every single way.
    The story involves you going to visit your Uncle Quadwrangle at his manor. He is a scientest who always shows you his latest inventions whenever you come to visit. However, this time around, his latest invention on interdimensional shifting goes awry and traps him in some sort of limbo. Meanwhile, the power in the mansion goes out and it's up to you to get it turned on again. If it sounds like the plot to an arcade game, that's because it is. I mean, the game is an arcade game, available on Xbox Live Arcade, PSN and Steam.
    Throughout the manor, there are a series of puzzles you have to solve, much like in Portal. Although, unlike Portal, where you use portals to help solve the problems, here, you shift between different dimensions to help solve them. This is, of course, the science-related "stuff" involved with the gameplay. And, yes, the puzzles, much like in Portal, are very life-threatening and very hazardous to your health.
    The omnipresent voice following you throughout the manor is Quadwrangle, who, awesomely enough, is voiced by John de Lancie. Who's John de Lancie? F you! That's who he is; but in case you would like to know, I'll tell you. He is most famous for his recurring role as Q in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and Star Trek: Voyager. He is also well-known for playng Eugene Bradford from the TV show, Days of our Lives and as Frank Simmons from Stargate: SG-1. Of course, if you are a brony, like myself-- look it up if you still don't know what it is-- you may remember him quite fondly as the antagonist, Discord, from the 1-hour season 2 premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, "The Return of Harmony". He serves as this game's GLaDOS, taunting you throughout the game and telling you about certain science-y things.
    The comedy is quite different from Portal. Unlike Portal, where the comedy came from GLaDOS taunting you or it was Wheatley's stupidity and stammered-speech, this game' humour... actually, they're pretty similar. Although, Quadwrangle does make jokes about his numerous failed experiments, like a jet pack taht's extremely flammable (apparently) and a digger that, apparently was influenced by the dwarves, because it dug too deep. There's also another amusing thing about this game. Wenever you die, there are these comedic quotes that tell you what you will never be able to do with the rest of your life. I think my favourites are "Making a bunch of depressing comments for a video game" and "Telling your friends about the time you almost died in a mansion". That, is just spot-on.
    The Wheatley-equivalent in this game is actally a creature: an interdimensional kinetic entity, or IKE. He does help you through alot of the tests and is so damn cute. This coming from a guy who almost suffered a fatal heart attack from staring at a picture of a sleeping Fluttershy for too long. Quadwrangle also comments on how IKE is sort of like a pet, only he's sentient, even though he doesn't talk.
    So, there are the comparisons to Portal. Even with that, the game is still alot of fun to play.
If I had any complaints about the game, it would be that alot of the earlier puzzles are really easy. Even the early puzzles in Portal weren't that easy. Another thing I'm not to wild about is the controls. For the most part, the're fine, but moving around often feels really loose and slippery. This makes it very dfficult to perform jumps with perfect accuracy at times, which is really a problem in a platforming game like this. I don't remember Portal having such a problem.
    This blog entry is in no way a review or a critical analysis--even though I stated that it was. It's more of a "first impressions" blog than anything else, considering that I haven't completed the game yet. But, I did give critical analysis where it needed it so you, the reader, can take it into account what it's like. Overall, I give this game a...

    4.5 out of 5!

    The graphics are very bright and cartoonish, it's profusely entertaining hearing John de Lancie talk about things, the puzzles (for the most part) are very challenging, the music definitely has a Portal vibe to it, and it is definitely more "airtight" than Dark Void, right?

   (BOO! HISS! "THAT WAS AWFUL!)

    Oh, come on! I had to! It was too perfect! Shut up!
    I make good jokes...

Disney Pixar's Brave

   After quite the wait, I finally saw it. I finally saw Brave!
   I think it goes without saying when it comes to this, but Pixar practically owns our souls. Why do I say this? Well, let's face it; Pixar has held our attention as a movie-going public since 1995 with Toy Story. That same year, Disney's Pocahontas was also released in theatres. However, it wasn't nearly as good as Toy Story was.
   Ever since the decline of the Disney Renaissance, Pixar has basically been doing the main studio's bitch-work so they could have time to recover and gain some footing to see what worked (like Tarzan) and what... um... (Brother Bear *cough*)... didn't.
   Of course, Pixar hasn't had a perfect track record, either. Most of their weaker films were back in the early days, but ever since then, their films were passable. Hell, they were better than passable! As we have seen, their peek was definitely at the end of the last decade with films like Wall-e, Up, and Toy Story 3. All of these films managed to earn Academy Awards for Best Animated Film, and the later two were even nominated for Best Picture, something an animated film hasn't done since Beauty and the Beast.
   And then, Cars 2 happened!!!

( Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!)

   I still have no idea what to make of this movie. The first Cars movie, I could get. Sure, the plot and characters had been done to death, but I could understand what they were going for. Cars 2, on the other hand, felt more like a theme park ride. I mean,... I just don't get it! Did we really need a sequel to this movie?! REALLY?!?! Really! I just can't believe, for the life of me, Disney AND Pixar would green-light this! It's just.... STUPID!!!
   Okay, okay, okay... I feel better now. I took my happy pills and, now, I have calmed down. So, yeah. Cars 2 was more-or-less a disaster that led many people to speculate the "end of an era" for Pixar. Of course, before Pixar, Disney had gone through this a few times, but this was an indicator that has led people to believe that Pixar has begun its descent into mediocrity (much like after Pocahontas with th main studio).
   I'm not certain if Pixar will follow the same path as Disney did in the late 90's -bad movie, good movie, credibility-crushing-of-an-entire-studio movie- but it may seem that way; especially after seeing the trailer for a prequel to Monsters Inc., Monster University.

   I did not make a single word of that up!

(Pixar, what the hell are you doing? Don't you know sequels don't work unless it's to Toy Story?!)

   Now, I only say what I did about Pixar following in Disney's footsteps because Brave, while an excellent movie, and one hell of a way to redeem yourself as a company, I can't help but shake this feeling that Pixar will soon be slain by Dreamworks - although their films haven't been so great recently, either (Madagascar 3, anyone!?)
   Now, if you are still reading this article after dealing out all this rambling bullshit, congrats! You win absolutely nothing! Well, actually, you win a chance to read my opinion on Brave! Everyone's happy!!!
   Now, as for Brave, as before, it is excellent! Now, before going into this film, I honestly had no idea what it was about. All I knew was that it takes place in Scotland, and there was a bear, and a red-headed bonnie lass who reminds me of Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games, and... that's it.
   Basically, I had no idea what the plot of this movie would be about. So, going in, I kept an open-mind to the whole thing and let my imagination take me to, wherever. And, you know what? It worked relatively well.
   The plot involves the bonnie lass,Princess Merida, who is anything but that. Her mother, Elinor, tries her best to make her all prim and proper, but it never works. Things get especially heated during the betrothal ceremony where all the capable grooms test to see who will marry her. All the eldest children have to compete. Of course, Merida, being the eldest of her clan, finds a loophole and competes for her own hand. She, of course wins, and her mother is in fumes over all of this. After an arguement between the two, Merida flees into the forest and stumbles across a witch who gives her a spell to change her mother. Merida takes it and her mother does change... into a BEAR!!!! (Dun dun DUUUUUUUU- oh, screw it. I already made that joke!) Of course, being a bear, and her father losing his leg to a bear named Mor' du, they have to flee into the woods. They find the witch's cabin only to find it abandoned. However, the witch is nice enough to leave them a message on hot to reverse the spell before it's too late.
   That's is basically a summation of the main storyline of the movie. The film also manages to have other subplots intermixed, like between the rival clans, a legend about an ancient kingdom, Merida's three younger brothers (who are mischevious triplets), and so on and so forth. I really don't have time to explain it all, so, see the movie for yourself.
   I think it's standard for all Pixar movies to have very likeable characters. Even the ones that aren't very good still manage to have characters that you really like. This film is no exception. Merida is a strong, independent female lead who is being forced down by her mother who doesn't understand what she wants and tries to find a way to fix that. It's very reminiscent of Mulan, another Disney epic, except they don't focus too much on the strong female aspect. That isn't the focus. The focus is on the relationship between her and her mother.
   Speaking of which, Elinor is also a very likeable character. While she isn't the straight-up villain, she appears to be that in Merida's eyes. All Elinor wants is for her to be respectful and act maturely and responsibly; even though no one else in the family seems to act that way. Regardless, we understand her position with wanting to maintain order among utter chaos, even if it means having to suppress her own children, and even her husband, whom she has to take charge over sometimes.
   As for King Fergus, he's much like the other Scotsmen, in that he is a fighter and will do anything for entertainment purposes. He also appears to have more of an understanding of Merida, seeing as how she takes after him, being an expert archer and all.
   Everyone else, is also really good. The triplets (who I like to call, "The Trouble-making Trio") are excellent and don't even need to say a word of dialogue, the leaders of the other clans, who are all competing for their son and Merida's hand in marriage, and even minor characters, like the witch, are all very funny and well done.
   The visuals, like with any Pixar film, are breath-taking to behold. It's especially amazing to see sweeping shots of the Scottish Highlands - at least, I think they're the Highlands. There's also such a grand size to the world that makes you feel like you're there as it happens. Even the characters are alot of fun to look at. Some of them are a little wierd, though, like King Fergus. He has a huge, bulky body, and a tiny-ass head. It's kinda comical, and it's still fun to look at. Even the visual effects used for things like lighting and shading, are all absolutely gorgeous. At least Pixar's visual quality has not gone down at all!
   The story, to be honest, is kind of a "been there, done that" sort of thing. I've seen this type of story before, where there are two people who don't get along very well, but by the end, they're inseperabe. Think of all those "buddy-cop movies" tht came out in the late 80's to early 90's like Lethal Weapon (You: WHAT!?)
   However, I can at least forgive this plot if it does something different, which it does. In Brother Bear, our main character is transformed into a bear so he can learn a lesson and, ultimately, respect the animal in which he represents, which is a bear. In this movie, however, our main character turns her mother into a bear on accident. All she wanted to do was change her views, not herself entirely, and through the time they spend together, they both learn a lesson, not just the main character.
   That's really the only flaw I can find in this movie (aside from Pixar voice icon, John Ratzenberger not having a larger role, but, that's just me).
   I guess I should also mention the short that customarily comes before every Pixar film, called LaLuna. It's about a young boy, his Italian father, and his Italian grandfather, who take him out to help them with shifting the moon's phases. Both the elders coach the boy as to what he should do and argue with each other about it. By the end, the boy eventually manages to contribute by doing his own thing and the elders coming to terms with it. It is really sweet and it actually does give a perfect backdrop to one of the main themes of Brave. Hmm, now that I think about it, so did the Toy Story 3 short before Cars 2 (just a marketing ploy).
   If I were to score this movie, I'd give it about...
                
                                                                          4 stars of 5.

   I definitely recommend this movie for any die-hard Pixar fans or just fans of animated movies in general. Although, I'd still be on the fence about Pixar's next film. I think all stick with Disney's newest 3D animated movie coming in November which I also saw a trailer for, Wreck-It Ralph, a movie about a video-game villain wanting to be good.

Again, I'm serious! (Actually, it does sound pretty awesome, though.)