I bring this topic up because, on August 3rd, the remake of Total Recall will soon hit theatres. I already have my fears that it won't be as good as the original. Why? Two words: Colin Farrell. How in the hell could Colin Farrell match the goofy performance of everyone's favourite action-star-turned-politician-and-back-again, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You can't!
Judging from the trailers, it appears since the remake isn't going to have the Governator, it's going to take a more serious tone. Unfortunately, I can't talk about it just yet, since it's not out yet. Instead, I'm going to talk about the original 1990 film.
The movie opens up on what I assume is the surface of Mars. Wait, how the hell am I supposed to get my ass to it if we're already there. Anyway, Arnold slips and falls and breaks open his helmet. This, of course, leads to the famous "eye-popping" scene of Arnold's eyes... well, literally popping out.
(And I thought I was the only one who hated Battleship.)
But it turns out that Arnold was just dreaming and he was really safe back on Earth where he can breathe, watch new episodes of Full House, and listen to the latest album from the incredibly talented Vanilla Ice... Is it too late to go back to Mars?
Well, at least he has a smoking-hot wife, played by Sharon Stone, who he... doesn't dream about. Even his wife knows this. Of course, Arnold reassures her that everything is fine and she's the woman of his dreams and blah blah blah blah blah, straight to the sex.
We then cut to a news report about a terrorist group on Mars led by a guy named Kuato who want independence from the wrath of Administrator Vilos Cohaagen. Afterwards, he and his wife talk about moving to Mars. His wife, Lori says it's a bad idea but Arnie says it'll be fine. Oh, yeah. With terrorist uprisings going on there, why not?!
Arnold also tells his wife that he wants to do something more with his life and be somebody. Lori assures him that he is somebody. Hey lady, save the corny lines for "Vienna sausages", okay?
While on his way to work, Arnold sees an advertisement for Rekall, a program designe for virtual vacations. It definitely is a very neat concept, and would usher in lots of money. Just think about it; virtual vacations at the fraction of the cost of real ones? I'd sign up for that immediately! Hell, maybe I'll start working on the blueprints for my Rekall Virtual Reality Simulator after I'm done this review!
Well, it has to be better than Arnold's job as a construction worker. He talks to his friends about it but they say it's a bad thing. Okay, yeah, in hindsight it would probably alter your brain and make it difficult to distinguish reality from fantasy, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing! C'mon! You people are a bunch of buzzkills. But Arnold's like, "Fuck it" and goes to Rekall anyway. He talks with a Rekall travel agent, Bob McClane as to why Rekall is so much better than real travel. He even brings up that you can vacation there using an alternate identity. I don't see the Virtual Boy doing that any time soon.
So, Arnold is plugged in and, before we know it, he... starts to go crazy? He starts screaming that he's not Quaid. McClane says that that's part of the ego trip, but the scientests say that they haven't implanted it yet. You know, I can totally relate. I once woke up screaming that I was in the military and used as a guinea pig in an experiment on interdimensional transportation and sent to the world of Equestria... no, wait, that was just a dream, too. Dammit! Hell, maybe it was a memory from the past I'm trying to remember, because that's exactly what happened to Arnold. (Apparently.)
Arnold still in a minor drug-induced state, wakes up in a taxi and is dropped off at home. His buddy, Richter, played by Micheal Ironside, is pissed at him that he went to Rekall. He's so pissed that he even pulls a gun out on him and has a group of thugs beat him up. C'mon. Do you really think a group of unarmed men is enough to stop Arnold? If so, then stop reading and go somewhere else.
After mercilessly killing those guys, Arnold goes home to explain his situation to his wife. He tells her about Rekall and, predictably, she is not happy. Hell, even she tries to kill him. Man, Arnold's like a chaos magnet; trouble just seems to find him wherever he goes.
(Wow. I guess Mr. Rogers' Neighbourhood had a gang war so hw had to move. Now he makes his living as a robot taxi driver.... IT HAPPENS!)
Arnold gets the upper hand and eventually gets her to tell him what the fuck is going on. She tells him that his memory was erased-MUST RESIST ERASER JOKE- and that all the memories he has were implanted into his brain and that she took the role as his wife. She tries to seduce him, but fortunately for Arnold, he sees security footage of more goons in the lobby. Arnold clocks her over the head and GTFOs.
Arnold tries to make a break for it through the subway but is stoppes at the security checkpoint. The goons are not far behind, however, as a shootout takes places in bloody, R-rated fashion. Arnold gets away, but the bad guys have a contingency plan; tracking him! Oh, and Cohaagen is involved, too. Did I mention that?
Soon, Arnold gets a call from an old friend at the agency and leaves him a suitcase for him to pick up. Follow this up with another chase scene, some more gunfire, some more people getting shot... God, what's the point of doing an in-depth review of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie!? I should just sum it up with *BANG BANG* *BOOM*!
Well, anyways, Arnold finds a safe haven to look over his briefcase. He finds a recording of himself in it and watches it. The video of himself tells him about Cohaagen and how he needs to take him down. But, first, we need the scene where he removes the tracking chip from his head. For some reason, it's encased in a giant ball that doesn't rip his nose apart when he pulls it out. "Now this is the plan; get your ass to Mars" Arnold tells himself. Man, this is very surreal. Arnold Schwarzenegger talking to himself? Kinda weird...
(Yeah, how does this not rip his nose apart again?)
So, now, Arnold does in fact get his ass to Mars and disguises himself as a woman. Oh, no! I'm having Junior falshbacks!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Unfortunately, his disguise starts to malfunction and is spotted by the bad guys. Hetakes the head off and tosses it at the guards. With a "Get ready for a surpriiiiiiise!", it blows up in their faces and Arnold gets away. But not before they start shooting up the place and nearly get sucked out the window. Yeah, you have to admit, these guys who are after Arnold are kinda, sorta, incompetent.
After that, Cohaagen and Richter, talk about how Quaid, Arnold's charachter, ha sinformation that Kuato wants. You see!? I told you Arnold was a chaos magnet!!
After Arnold checs in to the hotel, receives a message from himself to go talk to Melina, and gets a taxi, the place gets attacked by rebels. Again, that's our chaos magnet! He arrives in Venusville and heads for The Last Resort, where Melina works. There, he encounters a three-breasted hooker... Mars is kind of a weird place!
(I can see why Colin Farrell wanted to be in the remake so badly.)
He meets up with Melina and she immediately jumps his bones! Well, she is a hooker, so yeah. She grabs his "daddy zone" and says, "What'cha been feeding that thing?" Arnold's reply: "Blondes." This is why Arnold is awesome. Unfortunately, Melina doesn't think so since she is upset with him thinking that he was dead. Quaid tries to explain, but Melina kicks him out. Yeah, I got the tough love thing alot, too.
Meanwhile, at the hotel, Quaid gets interrupted by someone from Rekall who says that this is all part of his "vacation". He even brings his wife to try and convince him that all of this is in his head. Arnold doesn't believe any of this and shoots the guy and Lori gets him captured. Yes, we're really supposed to believe that Sharon Stone captures Arnold Schwarzenegger! That'd be like Bruce Lee being captured by Marylin Monroe!
Fortunately, Melina shows up and starts shooting people and saves Arnold. Sharon starts to kick Melina's ass, but thankfully Arnold gets a gun and threatens to shoot her. Sharon says, "You wouldn't hurt me. After all, we're married." After Arnold blows her brains out, he declares, "Consider that a divorce." I'd squee, but I am a man. A man squeeing for another man is really creepy and somewhat gay.
Melina tells Quaid that they're going to see Kuato. Finally, we get an insight on the elusive Kuato. Wouldn't it be a twist if it was Arnold? I'm just gonna call it right now! I don't know!
(Warning! Firing a gun inside of a vaccuum-sealed dome on the surface of Mars may be hazardous to your health. In more ways than one.)
After another chase scene involving more gunfire and the entirety of Last Resort getting shot to shit, Arnold, Melina, and the black cab driver, Benny, head for Kuato. Meanwhile, the fans all over the complex are turned off. After that, we finally discover who Kuato is: he's a mutant! I forgot to mention earlier about the people who were mutated when one of the domes collapsed and now they want revenge on Cohaagen. Why? Because... I'm an idiot.
Through Kuato, Arnold remembers what Cohaagen is after and all before the soldiers shoot more things! Why is it in every one of his movies, someone always wants to kill Arnold wherever he goes but can't do it?
Then, it turns out Benny's a spy! Right after he kills Kuato! I knew it! I knew you could never trust an annoying black guy!! Or any other annoying charachter... ever...
After being captured, Cohaagen tells Arnold that this was all a setup from the beginning! Why so many twists!? My brain can't process this in an Arnold movie!! Of course, Arnold doesn't believe it but, now, Cohaagen proves it with a recording Arnold left for himself. Good God, this is alot to wrap your head around!
They subdue Arnold and Melina in a Rekall machine. This is where we get to see some of Arnold's greatest silly facial expressions. After making funny faces, Arnold and Melina break out and go after the reactor Kuato told him about.
(I had this exact same face after reading Cupcakes.)
Unfortunately, the Red spy, Benny, comes up with a massive drill to drill them into oblivion. Arnold figures it's time to fight drills with drills as he drills his way into the drill and kills Benny. (Wow! Remind me never to do that again!)
(Merde...)
They find the reactor which will supply the entire planet with air if it's turned on. However, Richter and his goons are waiting for them. They shoot him up... or do they!? No, instead they shoot a hologram of Quaid before he turns the corner and sprays them all with bullets! Man, this movie's awesome! He even fools the soldiers by having them think that he is the hologram. He even taunts them with, "You think this is the real Quaid? It is." Then he proceeds to blast everyone! Arnold is an action-movie God!
Now, Arnold is fighting Richter in an elevator and lets him off at his floor. See? I can make my one one-liners, too! Although Arnold's is better.
Arnold soon finds the reactor's main switch but Cohaagen is there waiting for him. He even has a remothe detenator which will blow the place up before he'll be home for Corn Flakes. But Arnold says, "Fuck your Corn Flakes" and he and Melina take him down. However, before they can turn on the generator, they blow another hole in the dome! These domes must've been made in China begause these break faster than cheap Chinese toys. Anyway, Cohaagen is sucked out and his eyes start bulging out of his skull like Arnold's and he suffocates. Needless to say, it's pretty gross.
They start up the machine, but not before Arnold and Melina get sucked out, too, and start suffocating. But not before the planet can be supplied with oxygen and save evryone. Well, great. Mars is no longer the "red planet". Now what's gonna be the red planet?!
Well, even with all that said, Total Recall was a really good movie! The sci-fi element was well done, the characters and acting were, mostly, very good, the action is superb, and the visuals, even for 1990, were excellent, and this was a time when animatronics were still being used. I honestly like animatronics better than CGI because you know it's real.
Tune in next time when I dissect the remake. But not before I get started on my own Rekall virtual reality machine! Now, how to get the mass driver hooked up to the neural net processor...
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